Speed Read of Enhancing Communication Skills for Better Interactions
- Understanding Communication Styles: Recognize and identify different communication styles (assertive, aggressive, passive) to improve interactions and avoid misunderstandings.
- Importance of Assertive Communication: Assertive communication balances the needs of all parties, promotes empathy, and fosters respect. Key characteristics include listening without interruption, clear communication, willingness to compromise, a confident tone, and good eye contact.
- Practical Applications: Use real-life scenarios to differentiate between assertive, aggressive, and passive responses. For example, assertively responding to a friend’s inconvenient request to borrow your car.
- Active Listening and Reflections: Engage in active listening by avoiding distractions, using verbal and nonverbal cues, asking open-ended questions, and reflecting back what you hear to ensure clarity and understanding.
- Soft Start-Ups for Difficult Conversations: Approach difficult topics calmly and respectfully using soft start-ups, gentle body language, “I” statements, clear problem descriptions, and polite requests to foster productive and respectful dialogues.
Read below for resources, tips, and the why!
We all communicate, but it can look so different from person to person – which can lead to misunderstanding. If we identify our own communication styles and those around us, we can improve the way we interact with one another. Moreover, teaching and practicing assertive communication skills helps avoid misunderstandings and foster respect.
Elizabeth Janca, experienced school administrator, Licensed Professional Counselor, and Possip Reporter, shares different types of communication as well as tips for improved communication.
Types of Communication
Boise State University provides a quick overview of the “Passive – Assertive – Aggressive Continuum” when it comes to communication types.
Assertive Communication
As the most effective type, people who use this communication style take into consideration the needs, wants, and thoughts of both or all parties involved. An individual who has an assertive communication style can stand up for their own wants, needs, and thoughts while being able to empathize and respect others’ perspectives.
Assertive Communication looks like:
- listening without interruption
- clear communication of needs, wants, and thoughts
- a willingness to compromise
- projecting confidence through tone and body language
- maintaining good eye contact
Aggressive Communication
In aggressive communication, the individual is focused on their own needs, wants, and thoughts and ignores those of others.
Aggressive Communication looks like:
- being easily frustrated
- interrupting and speaking loudly over the other
- showing an unwillingness to compromise
- using language that conveys criticism
- exhibiting general disrespect for others
Passive Communication
On the other end of the continuum, we have passive communication. With passive communication, the individual focuses on the needs, wants, and thoughts of others while ignoring their own. Often this can come at the expense of the individual and cause them harm or discomfort in some way. Passive communicators struggle to stand up for themselves and may often be taken advantage of even by well-meaning people.
Passive Communication looks like:
- being soft-spoken
- prioritization of others
- poor eye contact
- projecting a lack of confidence
What do the three communication types look like in terms of a real-life application?
Scenario:
A friend wants to borrow your car, but this will be a big inconvenience for you.
Communication Types:
Assertive:
“I need my car for errands, but I can definitely drop you off.”
Aggressive:
“No way! Why would I do that? It’s ridiculous you asked.”
Passive:
“Umm, I guess that’ll work, I can figure it out.”
How to Practice and Encourage Assertive Communication
Look for a Win-Win Situation
Engaging in assertive communication requires that you know your goals and values. Good questions to ask yourself are:
- What is the purpose of the conversation?
- What am I hoping to accomplish?
- What is most important to me in this conversation?
- How do I balance what’s important to me while also taking the other person’s needs or goals into consideration?
- How can we both feel like we have gotten some of what we want or need?
Having a good understanding of your needs and wants also encourages self-confidence and the ability to maintain boundaries.
Active Listening
During assertive communication, we engage in active listening by listening, encouraging sharing, and attempting to understand the other person.
Show You’re Listening
- Avoid distractions, this means making sure to find a place and time where interruptions will not occur or will be limited as well as putting electronics aside.
- Using verbal and nonverbal communication also help convey that we are listening. Verbal communication includes statements like “mm-hmm,” “I understand,” and ‘that makes sense.” Nonverbal communication includes actions like nodding, smiling in response to something, and maintaining eye contact.
Ask Open-ended Questions
- Try to avoid questions that can be answered with “yes” or “no”. When we use open ended questions we convey that not only are we listening, but that we want to know more. Some examples are “Can you tell me more about…” “How do you feel when…,” and “What are your thoughts about…”
Use Reflections
- Reflections are taking what you’ve heard someone say and summarizing it to confirm that what you heard is what they meant. This also helps clarify and minimize miscommunications. A good sentence stem to use is “What I hear you saying is…” or “It sounds like…”
Sometimes we may encounter connections where assertive conversion leads to the other feeling like there’s a conflict. Proactively using soft start-ups as described below are helpful in preventing feelings of conflict. For more on practicing effective conflict resolution skills, click here.
Soft Start-Ups for Assertive Communication
Soft start-ups are good guidelines in how to start a conversation or begin approaching a topic of discomfort. These guidelines were introduced by marriage therapist John Gottman, Ph.D. and have since been recognized for their importance in conversations in general. Soft start-ups are helpful in ensuring a tone that is positive, respectful, calm, and solution-focused.
Save the Conversation for a Calm Moment
Often we feel the need to address something as it comes up, and while that’s not always a bad thing, sometimes it can be more helpful to wait. Taking a time out and using a coping skill to regulate until you and the other individual are able to have a conversation without distractions or interruptions can be helpful in ensuring the productivity of a conversation.
Use Gentle Body Language and Tone of Voice
We discussed how assertive communication is characterized by confidence in tone and body language while also maintaining good eye contact. To expand upon that, assertive communication uses gentle body language and tone of voice. We want to take on a problem-solving mindset and speak calmly. It’s also important to avoid body language like eye rolling, scowling, or mocking which can indicate disrespect.
Use “I” Statements
I statements are a great tool in expressing how we feel or think about something in a way that will help the other individual not feel as defensive. When we use I statements we are focused on how we are being impacted by a problem or situation rather than blaming someone else. It’s easy to say “you never listen to me,” but this not only puts the other on the defensive but is also an unhelpful thought. Instead, try saying “I feel dismissed when you don’t listen to me.” The “formula” for I statements is “I (emotion) when (action).
Describe the Problem Clearly
Stay on one topic, don’t bring up past information as this will start to feel overwhelming and like an attack. Being specific is also helpful, broad statements like “you’re mean to me” will be more misunderstood than “I feel sad when you call me names.”
Be Respectful
Active listening skills, as discussed below, are a key to respectful listening and communication. It’s important to remember to make polite requests rather than a demand. For example, “I wanted to clarify…” or “Could you please…” are a couple of good sentence stems.
With the above skills to promote assertive communication, we create an environment of collaboration, advocacy, and empathy.
